So I feel like today is shame day. I'm looking for things lost, trying to achieve things I've been procrastinating. HOW DO WE DO THIS.
Ok, #1: Taxes are right now $615 a month. Flat. No ifs ands buts.
#2: Rent $1060, DITTO.
#3: Service on fixed personal loan, $210, SAME.
So $1885 before I get the lights turned on. That's scary, yo.
That number used to cover the electric, phone, internet, water, and renter's insurance, too.
Next section, semivariable things:
#4: $23 Renter's insurance, as required by our lease.
#5: $17 Venlafaxine
#6: $42 Delivery water, 20 gallons a month
#7: $260 Internet, phones, phone insurance, data plan
#8: $199 ACA health insurance.
#9 gas: $35 last month
#10 Electric: $112 this month
Totally challengable We could abandon these costs:
#11: Costco $55/year
#12: Amazon Prime $99/year
#13: Netflix $9/mo
#14: Panic $9/mo
#15: Dental $17
Now the shame, right?
Credit card Wells Fargo $764.09
Credit Card Capital One $603.21
Credit Card Citibank $3,107.70
According to the way I've been doing things, I should be paying those first two off MONTHLY and be paying the third one down $200 a month. This quarter? NOPE.
Finally, neither car is in good shape. The truck right now is not running at all. The car needs it's front axle/wheel structures replaced, A/C, and a transmission job.
Things I am not directly responsible for: Groceries, charlie's truck insurance, my car insurance (thanx mom), charlie's therapist licensure/CE classes.
I need help.
I actually cannot do this. I don't even know how to get to a positive cash flow.
In the Positive Column, I should have $3500 total with savings and checking after this quarter's taxes are paid.
I can't be poor. I pay taxes.
Today, my sweet husband got so excited, and started talking about if he makes this much money every weekend, and I did not say, "and then the tax bill and the health care bill go up again." (This weekend's money will go toward his vacation: We take a long weekend vacation of 5 days, y'all, and Labor Day is it, thurs-mon)
I can't figure out what's going to happen to us because everything is too much money all the time.
I should tell the ACA what last year's income was again, or rather cop to it, because they're the government -- they know.
I am just going to keep writing here, but right now I'm depressed as fuck.
As a performance musician, I find a lot in common with my workspace nowadays. When I am in what they call "zone"-- I am in a loop where I am checking the results of what I just did while listening to the thing I'm about to type while typing the thing I'm actually typing. This reminded me that while performing music I have to learn the technique and practice the notation before I can get to the zone, where I am aware at the point of the music being *made.* When you find yourself in that space, the art suggests things. In cooking, it might be an unexpected pepper. In writing, it might be a perfect metaphor. A character might start speaking to you. Or the actor finds herself being spoken "through" by the character. I feel it is wrong to resist inspiration. That's what you did all the practicing for.
I picked up an old diary. Trying to decide what to do with the old diaries. And I read two things that made sense in succession. things that have something to do with what happened. I always thought my diaries were disconnected.
It might actually be worth entering something.
I got someone yelling at me the other day. I insulted them deeply.
I told them I was smart. this was in response to them snarking at me for being a know-it-all. Yes, I know I can come off as a condescending prig... as long as I only do it when I don't mind pissing someone off--not inadvertently--it doesn't bother me much. I'm smarter than most of the people I meet--or ever could meet. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm usually brought up short by realizing someone doesn't actually understand x and they're just not bright enough to grasp it! This is embarrassing when it happens. I usually assume that though I may be smart, I know smart people and I'm actually probably not saying anything that intellectually challenging. (Smart people! They're just like us! They wear pants! ... ok, sometimes... They knit sweaters! ... with Tim Burton characters on them ... They watch sports! ... ok, no, they don't... where was I? oh yeah!)
Usually, my challenge is to not treat everything I think, know, feel, and believe like smart-brain fodder. Other people's emotional responses aren't stupid. Relationship issues aren't always the result of not figuring it out. Right now, I'm knowing intellectually that I ought to be exercising, but I'm not. Attempting to think my way into shape is just not going to happen, but it's great procrastination. I'm even trying to be clever in this paragraph, whose entire message is "Clever is only good for so much, and that muchness is just a sliver of all the things I need to do."
But if I actually know something someone else doesn't? To say, "The proof is here, so I cannot continue to respect your position in light of the facts," is apparently REALLY insulting. After giving it a lot of thought, it doesn't seem reasonable that the insult is "There are other facts," "You don't know these other facts," "I do know other facts," or any combination of those. The insult is "I cannot respect your position."
The reason is, of course, because I've challenged that person's status. Specifically, I have said, "No, I will not cede the argument because I will not accept that you have a higher status/greater authority on the issue than I do."
But when I look at it more, it seems that what we have (Internet we? United States we?) is, in the name of individual, egalitarian fairness, letting everyone have a voice, shedding race, gender, color, etc. in the wonderful Internet--what we have is a deep-rooted denial of all status indicators. In the voice of a U.S.-ian, "It's incredibly rude to remind me that we're not all actually equal." In those old British books I used to read, it was also rude to talk about class, but that, as I saw it, was because if people acted as was appropriate to their status, then calling them on it wasn't necessary, so doing so was just "lording it about," especially if you were privileged enough to have a higher status.
Now.... now, something. I have noticed pissing off a number of people, not by the content of the facts or opinions, but by the Perception (real or imagined) that I was not giving them their propers. Maybe it's Rude to remind people of their status, or to claim a different status, or any status. But the results of not recognizing a status conflict have frequently been much ruder and more destructive.
Other examples: The person who dissed my offer of peer status, and unfriended me because I hadn't been studying this subject for 20 years like she has (no evidence of having actually done), or was it because I was the tricksy kind who wormed my way into someone else's confidence for personal gain, like she would never do (except that one time when she totally did and was on tv for it)? I didn't offer disrespect, but I definitely got her pissed off that she wasn't respected ENOUGH.
I've also done it. I have totally had people hollering at me lately that I wasn't allowing them their right to "free speech" in a "public space," because quite simply, On MY Facebook page/blog/other media, it is not public, and if you disrespect MY status, or I even think you do, I'll delete your comments, block all your comments, or outright ban you for rolling over on me. I don't have a lot of things I totally control, so you challenge the things I DO totally control, then you have lost all privilege there.
Yes, the use of the word "privilege" is, in all cases in this entry, deliberate.
Let's just stop here and call it a work in progress.
Our Banana Republic - NYTimes.com
"The United States now arguably has a more unequal distribution of wealth than traditional banana republics like Nicaragua, Venezuela and Guyana."
The proportions DO matter, not just whether you stole it fair and square.
I feel like I'm on the hamster wheel, and the day is beautiful, and I don't WANT to be here.
But I honestly don't know what else to do.
It's all about me: Why e-mails are so easily misunderstood / The Christian Science Monitor - CSMonitor.com
Also, in another source (I culled these links from "Cracked," BION): "One study at UCLA indicated that up to 93 percent of communication effectiveness is determined by nonverbal cues. Another study indicated that the impact of a performance was determined 7 percent by the words used, 38 percent by voice quality, and 55 percent by the nonverbal communication."
I think I'm going to stop reading and responding to comments, because they're even more "immediate" and misunderstood than email.